It Will Always Be With You
This is a guest post from Oleg Fadeev (pictured below) who comes to us all the way from Nizhni Novgorod, Russia.
I grew up in a socially unstable district of an industrial city. My father was a military officer these times and my mom was a school teacher. It’s obvious that our family’s prosperity was a bit higher than the one of the rest in our neighborhood. And this was really a problem when I went to school. I wasn’t a nerd actually, I had a couple of friends, but still this fact mattered nothing. Every day I was bullied or beaten up because of my family’s status. I tried to stand it as much as I could but once something was broken inside of me. In one of the school brawls I hit the guy’s head against the wall several times. He was hospitalized. The other time I broke guy’s ribs stomping him. The problem was at my door already, but I was too young to pay attention to it. I thought I found the remedy against bullying – cruelty. It worked well, soon no one was eager to stand against me or joke on me, because I started to fight immediately and I was outrageous. My parents noticed that change in me; I’ve been taken to psychologists, psychiatrists but in vain. Accidentally it was my father who helped me. He made me attend karate classes. And suddenly I became a real addict. I adored my training, I did more than my best during it and with the course of time I became a quieter person, focused on studying and even finished the school with honors.
After that I entered a military institute and there I became interested in boxing, but this is another story.
The problem is that I didn’t become fully normal and I know it. That bullying in my childhood is still inside. I’m 35 years old, but I still escalate the conflict easily and sometimes without my will. It is instinctive – overwhelming cruelty against anyone who tries to offend me….. Or it seems to me that he’s trying. I have a total control of myself but I see these processes inside my psyche when I’m accidentally pushed by someone’s shoulder, or when there is some verbal confrontation. I feel this readiness to do harm and it is actually a problem. That’s why I don’t drink too much; I’m very polite, sometimes even too polite with people in order not to provoke them and me. I prefer to evade any confrontation and it is often treated as my softness by other people, because they don’t know what hell I try to leash.
I wanted to share this story in order to remind that bullying in the childhood could be traced not only by depression or melancholy but sometimes just the opposite. And it also becomes a problem later.